“I don’t get it. I’m a nice guy—I’ve got so much going for me, yet hardly any women on the dating site are responding. But the idiot who mentions his six-figure income gets 10 times the hits I get!”
My single friend was angry. He’d been divorced for years and had finally gotten the nerve to step back into the online dating scene. He quickly found out what seems to attract most women.
“Maybe I should exaggerate what I make. Or post a picture of me standing in front of a Porsche. Apparently, that’s all single women pay attention to.”
I couldn’t completely disagree with him—the numbers spoke for themselves. But I offered a few other thoughts.
“Do you really want to date a woman whose main interest in you is your income? Do you realize how bored you’d get with her after a while? Besides, what does that priority say about her character. If she’s that superficial, you definitely wouldn’t want to build a long-term relationship with her. And, consider this: Let’s say that rich guy gets the girl, but then years later his money gives out or he develops serious health problems. Do you think she’ll stay faithful to him if the very thing that interested her is now gone? She’ll just move on to another guy who has more of what she’s looking for.”
For the moment, that seemed to help him. But I’ve been reflecting a lot on my comments, and I have some misgivings. I believe I missed one important detail that I wish I had told him.
It may be true that women on internet dating sites notice your income and what kind of car you drive, but I don’t think it’s necessarily a sign of superficiality. In fact, what now comes to mind is something I told my son many years ago when he was just getting into serious dating.
One time when Ryan went out, I said, “Son, the girl you’re about to pick up will consciously or unconsciously notice things about you and even your car. You don’t have to have an expensive ride, but she’s going to take stock. She’ll be wondering, ‘Is his car clean? Is what’s inside organized or cluttered? Does it have a bunch of boyish toys and decorations or does it reflect a man who spends his money well and doesn’t get into silly status symbols?’ And perhaps most important, ‘Did he hold the door for me, or did he just pull up and beep his horn expecting me to come out and get in by myself?’”
What I believed then—and still believe today—is that women notice a man’s car because someplace deep in her psyche, she wants to be a queen in some man’s kingdom. She’s looking at what kind of king you are and what kind of kingdom you’ve built. She knows that right now, you’re the lord of your realm, and if she’s going to be part of that realm someday—a queen in your kingdom—she wants to make sure you’re good at managing it. If you can’t handle your kingdom now, she probably won’t want to be your co-regent in it later.
So, yeah—she’s going to check out your car. She’s going to look at where you live and how you live. And while some women may do that for superficial reasons, the really quality women out there will notice, too. Those worthwhile women want to know if you’re a good king. The only way she can know for sure is to look at the kingdom you’ve built. Then, she can determine if you’re the kind of guy who will build a kingdom with her in which she’ll want to be queen.
So, to my single brothers, I ask you: what is true about you and your kingdom? You may never marry, but I think the best thing you can do now is be a good king, who oversees a good realm. Who knows? Maybe someday, a good queen will see what you’ve done and want to help build that kingdom with you!
By Judson Poling
Judson met Greg Huston (The Crucible Project’s founder) in 2002 and staffed his first initial weekend the following spring. Judson is a founding board member of The Crucible Project and co-developer of The Crucible Project’s four second-level weekends. He also served on staff of Willow Creek Community Church for 29 years. Judson is now a best-selling author and President of Cambia Resources, LLC, doing consulting, coaching and freelance writing.